Someone I Could Save
by Crystal Volcheck
Summary: AU-Castiel, a guardian angel, watches, but never acts even as Dean, his charge, slowly loses everything; his mother, his father, the close bond he had with his younger brother, and any faith he had left. Then one night he sees Dean alone in the middle of nowhere, with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, and decides that this is the one thing he cannot watch.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by this post on Tumblr: post/80119833480/anonymous-hun**

**Story title from Brand New "Jesus Christ"**

**Chapter title from Hollywood Undead " A Bottle and a Gun"**

**The next chapter and all chapters after will be a slightly different style, since Castiel will no longer be just watching Dean from Heaven. Also I will be spelling "Cas" as "Cass" since that is the supposed spelling, I apologize if that bothers anyone.**

**Disclaimer: While I am from Ohio, Supernatural is all Eric Kripke, I'm just borrowing the characters for a bit.**

* * *

_You stand with the gun in your hand  
staring at the wall with a look so sad  
and thinking about who really cares  
and will they even notice if I just disappeared now?_

_"Beautiful" P.O.D._

January 24, 1979 was the date that Castiel's existence was forever changed even if he didn't realize that quite yet. For that cold Wednesday in January, Dean Winchester was born; the boy with the brightest soul that Castiel had ever seen was assigned to him. He would watch over Dean, until Death came, then he would usher that brilliant soul to Heaven. It was also the closest that most angels got to humans; no angel was allowed to reveal their presence or intervene with the natural order. Guardian angels only served as a guarantor that a specific soul would reach Heaven.

"Ugh, I don't know how you can stand Guardian Angel duty." Gabriel announced his presence as Castiel stood in the doorway of Dean's room unnoticed, watching the young boy play with his toy cars. He bit back a comment on the archangel's impatience, it had only been four years since Dean was born and that small amount of time was like a drop in the ocean to him. Although, Castiel normally didn't like being so close to his charges, but there was something different about Dean other than his bright soul that made him feel the need to stay close even if he would never be allowed to reveal his presence for any reason.

"Of course you wouldn't, because it's still considered work which you seem to be allergic to."

"That's no way to talk to your big bro, kiddo." Castiel resisted the urge to roll his eyes and focused his attention on Dean once more and couldn't help but smile as Dean rushed past the two angels upon hearing his mother call.

"Why are you here, Gabriel?"

"I just wanted to check on you, Heaven is buzzing about the snot-nosed brat that has you on Earth nearly every waking second." The look on his face must have been a better response than actually saying something because Castiel had never watched Gabriel back pedal so fast. "Okay maybe it's not every second, but ever since that kid started talking and walking you've been spending more time on Earth than most Guardians. It's kind of worrying; I know we were told to watch over humanity but we're not supposed to interfere and by you spending so much time I'm afraid you might get a little tempted."

Castiel's pleasant mood went from simply being interrupted to being completely shattered, blue eyes narrowed at the shorter man who simply raised his hands in surrender. "I don't appreciate what you're implying."

"I know, but humanity is why we lost so many of our siblings already; Lucifer, Lauviah, Berith, Salikotal, and Marou are just a few that fell because they got too close to humanity and I don't want to lose any more of my family even if I can't stand most of them."

"I understand your concern Gabriel, but I am nothing like them. I know my orders and my place."

"They did too, but a split-second decision in a moment of desperation can change everything." The two slowly found themselves in the kitchen watching Dean nibble at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (no crusts) concern in his large green eyes as he listened to his mother talk on the phone. "He's a cute kid, probably be a real lady killer when he grows up. Too bad he'll be dead before thirty."

Castiel tried to ignore Gabriel's comment when Mary hung up and Dean moved to hug Mary and tell her that he loved her, but found he couldn't.

"What do you mean he'll be dead before he's thirty?"

"A kid with a soul that bright? He'll give everything and anything to make sure the people that he loves are happy and safe, I can already see it." There was a note of pity in Gabriel's voice and somewhere in Castiel's being he knew that the archangel was right. "Dead before thirty. Come on bro, you can watch him from Heaven like other Guardians watch over their charges. It'll be easier that way, trust me."

For a moment Castiel did wonder if it would be easier and he didn't have to stay on Earth to watch over Dean. He watched the two for a moment longer (Mary moving to get her son a slice of fresh apple pie) and wondered briefly if Dean would develop a lifelong love of pie before following the archangel's advice, even if he wasn't entirely happy about it, but it was for the best. As odd as it seemed, Guardians weren't supposed to get attached to their charges and Castiel was not going to follow in the footsteps of his infamous siblings.

However when fire broke out in the Winchester home, Castiel had nearly fallen, wanting to be the one that pulled Dean out of the house. It had only been Uriel's scathing glare that kept him in place and made sure he did nothing more than watch the house go up in flames while Dean sat tucked against his father's side as he held his baby brother, frightened and completely unprepared for the life that now laid before him.

It was also Uriel's threats that kept him from going to Dean as the boy was forced to grow up, take care of Sam because their father was too busy getting drunk and dragging them across the country in search of work. He felt sick watching the boys grow up in seedy motels, getting spotty education, but it was more painful watching Dean give everything he could to make sure that Sam was well taken care of.

Every instinct told him to comfort Dean when he couldn't sleep due to hunger pains, because it was more important that Sam ate that night as well as the night before that. Or when John came back to the motel drunk out of his mind and verbally tore Dean up one side and down the other for leaving Sam alone for more than a second. Of course the worst night had been when Sam had snuck out and Dean was left with bruises for a week. Castiel watched the vicious cycle continue for just over decade, which should have seemed like nothing to him, but instead watching Dean suffer felt like millennia.

And even if Dean's soul never showed any sign of tarnish and never seemed to glow less bright, Dean's vivid green eyes seemed to grow dimmer through the years. Which was why Bobby Singer was a godsend, he took one look at the boys and told John that enough was enough it was time the boys got to have a real life.

Of course John hadn't agreed easily, but in the end with a few threats from Bobby the boys began to put roots down in Sioux Falls and Castiel didn't feel a constant worry or at least not like he used to. John visited for a few days every couple months at first, but those few visits trickled down to even less.

And Castiel was content to watch Dean from Heaven once again; the child he had been assigned to was now 22 and any sign of a hard and bitter childhood was gone except for the bowing in Dean's legs. A small detail that didn't take away from Dean's good looks (Gabriel had certainly been right about that) in fact, Dean looked a lot like his mother. Only Dean was more than just a pretty face, he was also smart and good with his hands proven by the fact that he worked as a mechanic for Bobby and had yet to come across a car that he couldn't fix. Even John seemed to be impressed when he last stopped by nearly five years ago and gave Dean the Impala before disappearing in a beat up truck.

It was also during those years that Castiel found he loved watching Dean work on cars and other side projects. He loved knowing all the little details about him, like how Dean loved to cook, hated a messy house, loved all pie, although his favorite was pecan followed by cherry then peanut butter silk, and how he had a lovely singing voice only choosing to go off key in front of Sam. At the thought of Sam, Castiel felt another rush of pride, even if he wasn't the younger Winchester's Guardian he was still happy to see Sam leave Sioux Falls to attend Stanford, mostly because Dean was happy to see that Sam grew-up just fine.

It seemed that life for the two Winchester boys was perfect, which was why Castiel felt sick four years later as he was once again forced to watch Dean's life fall apart. It began with Sam losing his girlfriend, Jessica Moore, in a fire and dropping out of college as a result. Something twisting inside of Castiel as Dean struggled to comfort his brother who was on a downward spiral with no signs of turning around.

Only it didn't end there, within a year Sam met Ruby and ran off with her, but not before a fight that ended with words that neither of them would ever be able to take back and Dean falling asleep with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. Months passed with no word from Sam, slowly turning into a year and Castiel was forced to watch Dean slip further a further into himself, green eyes dull unless he was drunk enough to start crying. It was painful to watch, something twisting inside Castiel that he couldn't find words for. So instead he continued to watch Dean eat less and less, but drink more and more while blaming himself for everything that had gone wrong even if he had no control over any of it.

Then Sam returned, but only after an accidental overdose that left things between the two brothers tenser than ever and Dean more broken than before. He watched Bobby try and fail to convince Dean that it wasn't his fault that it happened. Which paired with Dean unable to do more than take Sam to therapy and check his room created a very heavy atmosphere, the only silver lining seemed that Ruby was out of Sam's life for good.

It was little comfort as Dean sat unmoving, face buried in his hands as Bobby once again tried to get through to him. It had weeks and Dean's initial anger born from worry had quickly changed into self-blame and loathing. "I know you want to help but you can't." Gabriel's voice was soft as he joined Castiel to watch the scene unfold.

"Fuck Bobby, this is my fault. I pushed him away, pushed him into leaving with Ruby. The things I said to him…fuck…I just…"Dean broke sobs tearing through his chest and Castiel spread his wings ready to leave, only stopped by the archangel grabbing his arm.

"It's not your fault, boy. You had no way of knowing that this would happen." Castiel's heart broke as Dean shook his head, unwilling to believe that there was no way to prevent what had happened.

"I don't want to hear it! Christ, just leave me alone." No further words were spoken as Dean stormed out of the house the keys to the Impala already in hand. Castiel stood silent and tense as Dean drove for hours, finally stopping on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Even Gabriel seemed uneasy as Dean got out and sat on the Impala's hood with a gun in one hand and a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the other. "Hey God, it's me Dean Winchester," a bitter chuckle escaped him, "I don't even know if I actually believe in you to be honest. It's a little hard to believe since my life has pretty much sucked ass and this is stupid." Dean ran a hand through his short brown hair, taking a long swallow of whiskey before continuing. "But I don't know what to do; all I think about is how much better everyone would be without me since I'm nothing more than a useless fuck-up. And- I don't want to die, I just don't see another option and I'm tired. So fucking tired of feeling like this…I just...want it to be over." Dean was crying now, silent tears falling down his cheeks, "I'd be nice if you could send a sign or a little help before I finish this bottle, because I think it'll give me just enough courage to pull the trigger before I fuck anything else up."


	2. Chapter 2

**There are two original characters, technically original characters, being introduced in this chapters, Beelzebub and Lauviah, I've done extensive research on the actual Fallen Angels Beelzebub and Lauviah so they are more based on the research than anything else. Hopefully you like them and they don't ruin or take away from the story.**

**On another note, Dean will be meeting Cass in the next chapter so you will have that to look forward to, I'm even considering doing that chapter from Dean's perspective. **

* * *

_Sometimes  
I wish I was smart  
I wish I made cures for  
How people are  
I wish I had power  
I wish I could lead  
I wish I could change the world  
For you and me_

_-"I Feel So" by Box Car Racer_

"Am I being punished?" The question escaped the angel before he realized that he had said anything, earning a startled look from Gabriel.

"What?"

Castiel was beginning to panic, watching Dean take long drags of the amber liquid, the archangel's words from years ago bouncing around his head. _Dead before thirty. _"Why would God have us watch people who have done nothing wrong their entire lives suffer? It doesn't make sense, no one deserves this. I have to do something Gabriel, there has to be something I can do, anything even if it would only keep him going for another week…just something." It pained him to hear the desperation in his own voice, but that didn't matter now, only Dean mattered.

"Go."

"What?"

"I'm saying that if he means that much to you, then go; I'll cover your trip to Earth so Uriel doesn't catch your ass breaking the rules."

"Thank you." Castiel didn't hold back when he reached Earth, knowing that Gabriel was keeping him blocked from any prying angels. He held on to his true form long enough to watch Dean drop the whiskey in favor of shielding himself from the bright light of celestial waves. Green eyes going wide in confusion and fear as Castiel pulled himself into human form as he approached, the light fading completely once he reached out and touched two fingers to Dean's temple, effortlessly catching the man's crumbling form. By the time Gabriel arrived, Castiel had managed to get Dean back in the front seat of the Impala and had attempted to count the freckles that ran across his nose and cheeks.

"Okay, how serious are you about this? Because, Dad isn't around anymore, in fact he hasn't been for quite some time which means no matter what he told me before he left; it does not matter to our brothers. If you get caught, you won't just be banished, you will be killed."

"What do you mean?" Castiel had tried his best not to sound shocked, but he knew his facial expression would give it away. There was no way to mask the effect Gabriel's words had on him, but the archangel continued on, true to his nature as a messenger, not caring if he had left slip Earth-shattering information and whoever had heard needed time to recover.

"Dad may have formed us out of the same fire and stardust, but He didn't make us the same. He wanted Lucifer to be curious and intelligent, just as He wanted Michael to be obedient and loyal. In some ways He made some of us more human than others, made us free thinkers, gave us emotion and empathy. Others like Naomi, Uriel, Raphael, and even Michael don't understand this and once Dad left they twisted everything to their advantage. They are the ones who threw Lucifer and his followers from Heaven, they are the ones who then decided that banishing them wasn't enough and began to have them hunted down and killed." Gabriel paused, locking eyes with Castiel before continuing, "You've always had loyalty, but you've always had doubt and that doubt has brought you here. The split decision that will change everything; are you going to stay? Or are you going to go straight back to Heaven and pretend this didn't happen?"

It sounded too good to be true particularly with all of the information that he had been given to process. Had Heaven become so twisted and corrupted in the absence of their Father? When had He even left and for what possible reasons? The questions ran in to each other, tangling together and forming a puzzle that didn't seem solvable. So instead Castiel brought his attention to the problem that he could solve, although he hadn't given it much thought as to what he would do after he stopped Dean. The man was so broken with no sense of self-worth which meant there was a good chance that this wouldn't be the last suicide attempt. If he could stay and convince Dean of just how beautiful and worthy he was, how brilliant his soul was, how loved he was…well he could save Dean. He would just have to pretend to be human and get close to Dean.

"I want to stay."

"Even if Freckles doesn't love you back?"

"I don't _love_ him, I just can't stand seeing him suffer like this anymore, over things that he can't control, and no one with a soul that bright should want to end their life when it is barely just beginning." The way Gabriel looked at him, honey-brown eyes shining with something that he couldn't quite identify, put Castiel on edge so be pushed forward. "I'm going to save him; that's what a Guardian Angel should do. Besides, I don't care about what happens to me as long as I get to see Dean have the happiness he deserves."

A moment of silence passed between the two angels, before Gabriel smirked. "Alright, then you're going to need help and I can't keep popping in and out of here to make sure you're keeping your ass covered. Lucky for you this isn't my first rodeo." Before Castiel could even ask what Gabriel had meant, the archangel snapped his fingers a tall thin man with short dirty blond hair and fine lines at the corners of his steel blue eyes appeared.

The man or angel looked over to Gabriel before speaking; accent rather unexpected, "I'm not going to like the explanation behind this, am I?" Then he turned to Castiel eyes darting over to Dean and back again, "I thought angels were done falling for humans and to be honest I'm a bit surprised to see you in this situation, pleasantly surprised of course."

"I could say the same to you Balthazar and I haven't fallen," Castiel growled in return at his old friend, wondering just how many angels had turned their backs on Heaven. Even if what Gabriel had told him was the truth it still made him angry to think that his brothers and sisters would go against Father's wishes.

"Alright, settle down, we've got a few details to hammer out and we're burning moonlight. " Gabriel sounded annoyed which was one thing that Castiel had thought would be impossible. "I called because you happen to be an old pro at dodging Heaven's radar and Castiel needs to be able to keep an eye on his boy toy."

"I'd love to help personally, but I'm afraid I still have my halo and would like to keep it that way. However, I do know someone who might be willing to help," Balthazar smirked turning to the younger angel. "You don't mind hanging out with a few rebels who just happen to be at the top of Heaven's Most Wanted List, right?"

Castiel looked over at Dean once more, taking in the dark circles under the man's eyes, and how not even an hour ago Dean had been ready to take his own life. "I only care about keeping Dean safe." Because in the end, he wasn't turning his back on Heaven, he wasn't rebelling, and he wasn't going to fall because of a human. Because no matter what Gabriel had said, their Father would not have abandoned them, would not have allowed Michael and the others to twist Heaven the way they did. This was only temporary.

The sound of wings announced Balthazar's departure and Gabriel turned on his brother once more, "You're positive you want to do this? Because there is no going back at this point, if any of the other angels catch you interfering at this point, I can guarantee you'll be killed."

"We're not supposed to let our presence be known, as long as Dean thinks I'm a human then my presence isn't exactly known is it?" Something changed in Gabriel's expression, but the archangel didn't comment which Castiel was thankful for.

The silence lasted only a second longer before Balthazar returned, "As long as you secure her a quiet little bookstore in town and move her pre-existing inventory, there shouldn't be a problem, although she did recommend adding a café if you wanted double the security."

Gabriel snapped his fingers and the Castiel blinked the road they had been standing in was gone, replaced by four walls, bookshelves and boxes, "Done."

"What about Dean?"

"The sheriff received an anonymous call about a 67 Impala parked on the road about two minutes ago." A woman answered stepping out from behind one of the many shelves with a stack of books in her arms; she was short, a bit on the heavier side with pale skin and long dark brown hair falling just past her shoulders. "Hello Castiel."

"Lauviah?" He stared in shock at the former angel standing in front of him; Lauviah had been one of the four angels that planted the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden. She had been thrown from Heaven for allowing Lucifer in to the Garden and then joining him in his rebellion.

"We can take it from here, Gabriel." Another figure joined them also coming out from behind of the shelves, a tall well-built man with dark skin and even darker eyes, which Castiel recognized as Beelzebub stood almost protectively behind Lauviah.

"Don't think I won't be checking in on you crazy kids." Gabriel winked before taking off leaving him with the other three.

"I suppose I should get going myself, but one thing first." Balthazar reached out, finger tips pressing into Castiel's wrist leaving a burning sensation as he pulled away. "That'll keep your grace hidden, but if you do use your grace the spell will shatter and alert Heaven to your whereabouts. Now if you need me, hesitate to call." Then he was left with the two former angels. ,.

"Well, I guess we should start setting up, Gabriel did a lot of work in covering the sudden existence of a bookstore and I'd hate to see that work thrown away." Lauviah set the books down on the counter before turning to face him, "You're really serious about this? Hiding from Heaven so you can protect one human who doesn't even know that you exist."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand, considering why you fell."

"You were a fledging when I fell; therefore you do not why I fell and nothing that our brothers and sisters told you, would even be close to the truth. There's a lot you're going to have to learn beyond learning how to act human, baby boy." Castiel nearly growled at the nickname, but settled on a glare as Lauviah shoved a box of books into his arms. "Now the sooner we get set up, the sooner you can check in on your human."

They worked in silence for the first hour, Castiel lost in thought over his decision. He hadn't been thinking when he decided to save Dean and he certainly hadn't fully thought about the after. All he knew was that he had done the right thing in stopping Dean, just like he knew it wasn't right for him to watch Dean suffer from the sidelines. Everything else now was shrouded in layers of doubt and Gabriel had even said that he had always had doubt, doubt that he was just now beginning to notice. He looked over to Beelzebub and Lauviah, they moved in tandem, in such a way that it seemed like they would bump or crash into each other, but instead, they would glide over, never touching once. It made him think about the stories told in Heaven about the angels that fell, in comparison to what Gabriel had told him earlier.

"Why are you helping me?"

"In the general sense or more of a why are we, specifically, helping you?" Beelzebub paused, but Lauviah continued as if she hadn't heard him.

"Both, I guess."

"Well, I'd have to start with the fact that there aren't many of us fallen angels on Earth, most tend to stay in Hell with Lucifer, where it's probably the safest and that means that the ones in Hell are either working diligently or too scared to walk Earth. So that left which ever ones where on Earth, who were then narrowed down by who still keeps connect with full-fledged angels, then to the ones with a soft spot for humanity and a lot of regret, which got you to us."

Castiel was pleasantly surprised when Lauviah cut in, she had actually been listening. "In other words, we're helping you because we wanted to and everyone is either too busy or too scared."

"And you're not scared?"

A deep laugh escaped Beelzebub, but Lauviah went silent, "It'd be stupid not be scared, but I figure if I get caught, I won't go down without a fight and when I get killed, at least I'll know that I died doing the right thing."


	3. Chapter 3

**Dean wakes up after being touched by an angel, spills his guts to Bobby and Sam which results in a trip to new bookstore/cafe in town called Forbidden Fruit, where Dean meets a man with the bluest eyes he has ever seen.**

* * *

_If I could tell the truth  
Or lie would I attempt the two at the same time  
Expect you to apologize for trying _

_"In a Lose, Lose Situation" Emery_

Dean awoke to Sheriff Mills tapping insistently on the window of the Impala, the early morning sunlight revealing the deep concern on her face and he didn't waste any time rolling down the window.

"Good morning Sheriff."

"Finding you has been the only good thing about it, if it hadn't been for an anonymous tip last night, Sam was going to declare you missing."

"That kid worries too much; I just had too much to drink and wasn't going to risk driving home." It was a pathetic attempt to lie on his part, the expression on Sheriff Mill's face made it clear that she wasn't buying what he was trying to sell. Although the drinking part had been all truth, had just about finished off the whiskey, he had been moments away from blowing his brains out when a bright light had appeared, nearly blinding him, then as it faded there was something else, but his mind drew a blank except for the color blue. It was unnerving; maybe he had imagined it and chickened out, crawling back into the car before passing out.

"Then let's get you back home so Sam can stop worrying." He wanted to tell her that he was fine and didn't need an escort back to Bobby's but he knew better than say anything as his stomach started to twist with guilt.

"You lead I'll follow." She seemed satisfied with that answer and made her way back to her car and soon he was right behind her on the road, trying to figure out what he had been thinking last night and what had actually happened. Even if Sam didn't see right through him, then Bobby would, and how do you look the man who was practically your father in the eye and say that you had almost killed yourself, but only _almost_ because somehow you managed to screw that up as well.

Unfortunately, Metallica did nothing to calm his nerves as they pulled in front of the house, where Bobby and Sam stood. Bobby was as unreadable as ever, but Sam's expression was a mix of concern and fury.

"You're going to be putting in extra hours for making us worry, idjit" Bobby said to him the minute he was out of the car, but the older man's turned his attention went to Jody before he could reply, "Thanks for finding him, Jody. We were starting to get worried."

The attention wasn't off him for long, Sam stepping in front of him as he reached the porch, "Where did you even go? I think I checked every bar in town, hell; I even called Ellen to see if you turned up at the roadhouse. "

"I just needed some alone time, okay? Drove for a few hours, got drunk, and passed out in the front seat. Not exactly that big of a deal." And Sam wasn't buying it for a second, lips pressed into a thin line. Dean fought back a long suffering sigh as he rubbed his face, "Can you give me the bitchface after I take a shower?"

"I'm just glad to see you home in one piece; I don't know what I would do without you, Dean." If he hadn't felt guilty before, he sure as hell felt it now. Dean couldn't find the words to respond; his throat tightened and he decided to push past his moose of a younger brother instead of even trying to say anything.

Fifteen minutes later and he felt sick and disgusted with himself, the hot water pouring over him doing little to relieve his tense muscles. It wasn't fair; it was his fault that Sam had gotten in to drugs (nearly dying as a consequence) and when he tried to do the right thing and take himself out of the picture, well who knew what had actually happened. Nevertheless, he was still alive and had yet again made everything worse. Of course what really made it worse was that not only was Jody now involved, but Ellen and most likely Jo, the three wonderful women who didn't need to be dragged in to his mess.

However he couldn't hide in the shower forever and as the water began to run cold Dean knew it was almost time to face the music. After taking his time drying off and getting dressed, Dean made his way down the steps, his stomach doing flips as Bobby and Sam looked up at him.

"It's time we had a talk son, and this time there's no running away. So why don't you sit down and explain why you drove out to the middle of nowhere with only a bottle of whiskey and a gun for company?"

"It's not what you think."

"Then what is it Dean? What other possible explanation could there be?" The anger faded from Sam's voice replaced by a much softer tone, "Why would you even want to…kill yourself?"

"Look Sam, I was in a bad place and I was drunk and I wasn't thinking. It was stupid and selfish" Dean was beginning to panic, the words spilling from his mouth, "but I just wish that you would realize that it's my fault, I pushed you away. I fucked up and you nearly died Sammy, you would be better off without me. "

"Christ, Dean the drugs were not your fault. That was all me being stubborn; I chose to not listen to you about Ruby. I cut you out my life and nearly died, that's why I came back, why I got help. Because I realized what I said and did were wrong, I need you Dean. You're my big brother." If Dean had felt bad before, he felt even worse now. He was also starting to feel anxious, clenching and unclenching his hands, fighting off his urge to run and take a sledgehammer to an old junker car outback. Everything screaming in him that this was wrong, that what Sam was saying was wrong and he could already see the guilt building in his brother's hazel eyes. Sam was going to start blaming himself, thinking that he drove his older brother to become suicidal.

Bobby was quick to intervene, "Let's just put a pin in that for now, because I don't think this is going to go anywhere beyond you two blaming yourselves for everything that has happened lately. Now Dean, this isn't going to be easy for me to ask, but was last night a one-time thing or are we going to have worry if you're going to come back alive every time you run off? And take your time answering." A heavy silence rested over the three of them as Dean thought about other times he had gotten so low, he had thought about suicide then, but he had never made any plans. But last night even though he had no idea what had stopped him, he had gotten close and he hadn't exactly planned it either.

Finally he spoke his voice breaking slightly as the tears he had been fighting back finally fell, "You might have to worry." And at those words both Sam and Bobby's faces fell in such a way that Dean's heart didn't just break it shattered.

"Would you consider going to counseling?" Sam asked hesitantly and Dean couldn't bring himself to say no or that talking about feelings was for chicks, because he had to at least try for his little brother and maybe if he failed then Sam would see that he was better off without him.

"Since that's settled, how about a nice greasy breakfast? And then you can give me your opinion on an old Pontiac that came in." Dean couldn't help but feel slightly relieved that the conversation was at least over for the time being.

The next few days however, gave no further relief, both Bobby and Sam were careful around him to the point where he was prepared to point out that Sam was a recovering junkie and Bobby was on the road to becoming an alcoholic and therefore some degree of fucked up as well, even if not to the same degree of fucked up that he was. He still smiled, laughed, joked around, and if he just happened to lose a pound he didn't say anything about it. Just like Sam and Bobby didn't push when he didn't go back for seconds at dinner one night, everything was fine because he was in control.

"Could you stop looking at me like I'm going to slit my wrists any second, Sammy?" Dean finally snapped throwing his latest copy of Busty Asian Beauties down on the couch next to him in frustration.

"I'm sorry, Dean but how do you want me to look at you? Finding out about your suicidal thoughts makes it a little hard to not worry about you. Although maybe now you know how I feel when you start looking at me like I'm going to find the nearest drug den." He couldn't stop the flinch that came after Sam's words and worse Sam saw the flinch, "Shit, I'm sorry Dean. Maybe we've just been cooped up too long; Madison told me about this new bookstore in town, maybe we should go check it out."

"Two things, who's Madison? And dude, a bookstore?"

"Madison is the receptionist at the place I go for my therapy and there's also a café where they supposedly have the best apple turnovers in existence." Now that sounded like it would be worth the trip, Dean was never one to turn down the opportunity for pie or anything pie-like.

"Alright in care you forgot, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." Sam rolled his eyes, but soon they were out the door and for a moment it felt like old times again, Dean even belted out "Godzilla" on key as they drove into town.

"This looks like the place." Once glance at the sign in the front and Dean had to roll his eyes as they entered the store/cafe, the sweet combination of cinnamon and books filling the air.

"Forbidden Fruit? It sounds like some tacky sex shop."

"Actually, it's a reference to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil found in the Garden of Eden." A gruff voice caught Dean's attention and he turned to see who spoke, the sharp remark dying on his tongue as he found himself looking at the bluest eyes he had ever seen. He could have sworn he had seen those eyes before and-

_"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face/The kind you'd find on someone I could save…"_

"Lauviah, could you kindly turn that down?" The man who had been in the middle of wiping down a small table spoke and Dean still couldn't get over how low his voice was or how blue those eyes were. So he focused instead on how odd the store was to the left was the café decorated in red, black, and grey, very modern and sleek. However, to the left the bookstore began, with dark cherry shelves filled with books and displays that were decorated with various types of apples. Actually apples seemed to be everywhere, in different colors and sizes, and in Dean's opinion it came across as not only tacky but also overkill.

"Sorry, Baby Boy, I didn't realize we had any customers." A woman came out from behind one of the shelves just as another man came out from the depths of the kitchen to around the other side of the counter. The look on the blue-eyed man's face looked similar to the face Sam used to make at being called 'Sammy' and he couldn't help but smile. "Welcome to Forbidden Fruit, I'm the owner, Lauviah, if there's anything you need help finding or anything you need don't hesitate to ask me, Castiel, or Beelzebub." The woman or Lauviah motioned to the dark skinned man standing in front of the counter and Dean couldn't help but wonder what was up with the biblical theme going on.

Sam spoke up before he even had a chance to ask, "Actually I was hoping to find a specific book for a friend of mine."

"Let's see if we have what you're looking for." Lauviah glanced at Beelzebub and in that half second it seemed like the two had a full conversation before her and Sam disappeared into the forest of shelves.

"How about you? Just looking or looking for something specific?" Beelzebub asked drawing his attention, but he couldn't help but look to Castiel, who seemed to be staring at him.

"You know I was wondering if the apple turnovers were as good as I heard they were."

"Depends on what you heard."

"That they were some of the best in existence."

"They're not bad, take a seat; I'll have Castiel take care of you." Dean noticed how tense Castiel became and wondered if there was a problem. The way the man looked at him made him uneasy and he was even more uneasy at the fact that he couldn't shake the feeling that he had seen or knew Castiel from somewhere else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Castiel and Dean discuss Frankenstein, which leads to Castiel questioning the strange new feelings he has around Dean and it turns out that angels like to wear pajamas and curl up together in nests made out of pillows and blankets.**

* * *

_Coordinate brain and mouth.  
Then ask me what's it like to have  
Myself so figured out.  
I wish I knew…_

_"Okay I Believe You, But My tommy Gun Don't" –Brand New_

Castiel found he didn't mind staying with the two fallen angels, Lauviah reminded him of Gabriel in many ways and Beelzebub had a calm demeanor that made him easy to get along with. The two also took the time to help him adjust and understand the ways of humans; however that was a slow progress, since he was normally distracted by his worry over Dean.

At least it was until Dean walked into the shop and met his eyes. He could see the regret, guilt, and self-loathing and it was painful to see just how broken Dean was. Broken, but not beyond repair because as always Dean's soul was burning bright and if he thought it had been beautiful before, seeing it up close without any distractions practically left him breathless. He vaguely heard Beelzebub tell him to get Dean a fresh turnover and black coffee, and did so, instinct from years of following orders causing him to move automatically, while silently cursing his older siblings for leaving him with the human.

It was ridiculous, he was still a guardian angel and Dean was still his charge. Everything he was doing now was for Dean so there was no reason to be nervous. Yet, he wasn't approaching Dean as an angel; he was supposed to be playing human. This was the one situation that he was clueless about, even though Lauviah and Beelzebub had gone over what was appropriate to say and what wasn't.

"I don't want to come across as rude, but is your name really Castiel or is it all part of the religious motif this place has going?" The question pulled him from his thoughts as he filled a white mug with coffee, he hesitated a moment, moving to plate an apple turnover.

"It's really Castiel; my family was- is deeply religious." He quickly corrected himself as he recalled the cover story that Beelzebub had fabricated several days ago. A story that wasn't too far from the truth, he was staying with his older sister until he could get on his own two feet after getting out from under their overbearing, over controlling family.

"Sounds complicated." Castiel fought back a laugh as he served Dean, the man was more right in his assumptions than he realized. "Thanks."

"You're welcome and it is complicated, very complicated actually." He went back to cleaning tables, trying to ignore the obscene sounds that Dean was making.

"I think I found Heaven."

"I'll be sure to pass the compliment on to my sister."

"Think you could get me the recipe?" He knew Dean wasn't serious in his request, but found he couldn't stop himself from responding. This was his first opportunity to actually speak to Dean, hold a conversation with him after years of forced silence.

"I could actually, out of all my siblings, Lauviah has always been the one most inclined to share, and while Gabriel can be quite generous it's only when the mood suits him."

"Sounds like you come from a big family."

"Big isn't the best descriptor, but it does work." Big was really an understatement, he was one of hundreds of angels that still remained part of Heaven and there were hundreds of others that had fallen or unaccounted for still in existence. "What about you? Do you come from a big family?"

"Not really, it's just me and Sammy and Bobby, who practically raised us." Castiel nodded out of politeness, he knew all about Dean and his family and how tragedy seemed to follow them like a shadow.

"What about your parents?" It was a cheap shot, going for a wound that hadn't healed, but Castiel had heard that humans were more inclined to reveal personal details to strangers and even if Dean wasn't a stranger to him, he was a stranger to Dean.

"I lost my mom when I was young, around four and as for my dad, I have no idea where he is, haven't seen or heard from him in years."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't be, he was a lousy father anyway."

"At least you knew him, I never really knew my father and what I know about him I heard from my older brothers, at least the ones who are still around."

Dean laughed, but it was humorless, full of disbelief, "You weren't joking when you said it was complicated. So a less loaded question, do all of your siblings have such angelic names?"

"Yes and my oldest brother Michael was the most fortunate."

"Who was the least?"

"Many would be inclined to say my second oldest brother, Lucifer, would be the least. I never met him; I only heard stories so I can't say if the name suits him." Dean looked to him for more information and Castiel was more than happy to give it to him. "What I do know about him was that he was rebellious, something deeply frowned upon in my family. So he was…disowned. However, others in my family like Lauviah took a stand for Lucifer and ended up getting disowned as well. It was an ugly confrontation to say the least, although I vaguely recall Michael saying that just because you think that you're doing the right thing, doesn't mean that you are." He didn't care repeat what Michael had actually said, the archangel had been not only angry but bitter at the loss of so many angels.

"Reminds me of _Interview with a Vampire_ where evil is a point of view." Castiel felt his face scrunch in confusion as he cocked his head to the side. "Dude, don't tell me you work in a bookstore and have never read Interview with the Vampire. You didn't even watch the movie?" The moment of swapping personal stories was over, Castiel could feel it shatter and get replaced with something that felt strangely more intimate.

"I was rather isolated until recently."

"Well Cass, we'll have to fix that."

"Cass?"

"Sorry, if you just want me to call you Castiel, I will. Just thought that Cass rolled off the tongue a bit easier."

"No, Cass is fine, I like Cass." He couldn't look away and it seemed that Dean didn't have any intention of breaking eye contact either and they fell into a comfortable silence. At least until he heard Lauviah and Sam enter the café and he looked away from those gorgeous green eyes to see that his sister had filled Sam's arms with books.

"Sorry I couldn't find exactly what you were looking for; I'd have to call my sister to see if she has it in stock."

"Don't worry about it; this was more than helpful already."

"Still if I can find it I'll let you know."

"Thanks that would be great."

"If there's anything else, just let me know." Lauviah smiled and looked over at him with an apologetic expression before returning to her usual place lurking among the tall bookshelves. While he silently made his way to the counter to get the bill ready, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his chest. Dean had looked so joyous moments ago, his smile reaching his eyes unlike in the past.

"Hey Dean you ready?"

"Yeah, just let me get the bill." He tried to smile as Dean approached the counter because he didn't know how long it would be before he got to see him again, before he got to talk to him again, because watching Dean was nothing compared to actually talking to him. Or being close to him and actually see the emotion flicker across his face and flash in those almost too green eyes. "I guess we'll have to continue our talk another time, hopefully you can brush up on your pop culture in the meantime." Dean was smiling again; it was a small smile but a real smile none the less and Castiel couldn't help but return it.

"To be honest I wouldn't even know where to begin, this is very new to me."

"Maybe I could teach you some of the finer points of the classics."

"I would like that, very much."

Dean signed the two recipes and slid the copy and pen back to Castiel. "Later, Cass."

"Have a pleasant evening, Dean." He wasn't certain that Dean heard him, but it didn't matter because Dean was back the next day and then the day after that. Until it was nearly a daily occurrence to see Dean walk through the door of Forbidden Fruit.

"So let me get this straight, you're telling me that the real monster in _Frankenstein_ wasn't the monster, but instead was Dr. Frankenstein." The look Dean was giving him was nothing short of scandalized as if Castiel had told him they were out of turnovers.

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Uh, yeah, because the monster was a murderous walking collection of corpses and Frankenstein hadn't intended to make a serial killer out of dead people to begin with. At the most you can say the guy had a serious God-complex."

"Then by that logic the story is simply a cautionary tale that humanity should not attempt to play God however humanity continues to do so. Therefore I believe there was another message, that even the kindest of people can become monsters if that they have to, it's also a reflection of how petty people can be."

"I can buy the whole "petty" thing, but the whole forced to become a monster? Nah."

"Maybe not everyone would become a monster, but there is at least one thing for every person in the world, for which they would do anything for. Whether it's for their own survival or for the survival of someone they care about." Dean was silent for a moment and Castiel could see that he was thinking, letting the words set in.

"When you put it like that, I can't disagree because I know I would do anything for Sammy." Silent hung over them, Castiel wasn't sure how to respond recalling the years he spent watching Dean starve himself to that Sam could eat or the beatings he would take in Sam's place. "So Cass, is there someone in your life that you would do anything for?"

The question caused him to freeze, because he had only thought that he would stay hidden long enough to put Dean back together, but now he wasn't so sure. "I don't know, I never really thought about it before." He finally answered, wondering if he would be willing to fall for Dean if for some reason the need arose.

"Well if you ever find that person, I hope they realize how damn lucky they are." The conversation ended when another patron signaled that they wanted a refill and Dean left soon after, claiming that he had to stop at the store to pick things for dinner. Which Castiel was relieved for, unable to stop thinking about what Dean had said.

He still felt off as he closed up and did a quick inventory for Beelzebub, who had business in Hell to deal with, before making his way up to the second floor where they lived. He made his way to the main bedroom where Lauviah and Beelzebub slept when they burned through what energy they still retained after the fall.

"Hey Baby Boy, what's with the sad face?" Lauviah's voice was unusually soft as she looked up from the book she had been reading, curled up among the dozens of pillows and blankets covering the king-sized bed.

Castiel chewed his bottom lip for a moment, still unable to comprehend what had happened earlier. "I don't understand what I'm feeling, I used to be so certain of what I was doing, but now…I just feel lost."

The reaction was immediate; Lauviah set her book aside and swung her legs over the side of the bed, her whole body tense and eyes wide with concern. "Come here, we can talk about it while I groom your wings." The offer startled him, it had been years since another angel had touched his wings, let alone offer to groom them. "But get in to some pajamas first." He did as he was told and changed in the bathroom, thinking about when she had taken him shopping for clothes and told him that he'd thank her later when she shoved several t-shirts and pajama pants into the cart, she had been right since he had taken to wearing them on Sundays when the store was closed and they watched movies in the living room. When he returned to the bedroom he found that Lauviah had rearranged the bed to resemble a nest so when she patted the bed Castiel didn't hesitate to join her, crossing his legs and sitting in front of her before relaxing and allowing his wings to form on this plane of existence. He waiting for Lauviah to say something, instead she began to sing softly in Enochian, her fingers running through his feathers and for a moment he felt like a fledging again and the feeling calmed him greatly.

After sometime Lauviah began to speak, "For the record, the knowledge that God gave me upon my creation was useless, the angels in Heaven at the time didn't need it, they probably still don't. Humanity on the other hand, was practically helpless, doomed to die. In fact they probably still are." Lauviah paused, her fingers barely grazing his covert feathers in effort to straighten them. "Do you know what happens to someone when they are desperate? They get creative and brave and often stupid. So when humanity was on the edge of life or death even in the very beginning, they just needed the pieces of the puzzle, because they could put the pieces together, they always could. So why wouldn't God just give them the pieces to begin with? Why would He let them wander naked, cold, and starving? I spent years wondering why, questioning everything that I had been told and knew. Even after I fell, I couldn't understand why God would turn his back on us, have us thrown from Heaven because we either wanted to help humans or we fell in love with them."

Her fingers moved to the next section of feathers. "Did you ever stop wondering?"

"Ultimately no, but after some time I believed it was part of His plan, that He had always intended for some of us to be different, for some of us to fall."

"If that's true, then God always meant for Dean to suffer the way he has for years, but for what reason? So that I would lose my faith in everything that I was told in Heaven?"

"I don't know what God planned, to be honest, I'm not even sure if Him leaving was part of the plan or if He just got tired of it all. What I do know is that you were put in a desperate situation and you could have let Dean die that night, but you didn't. So why is that?"

"At the time, it wasn't right. How could a guardian stand back and not lift a finger to help their charge? Even if Death claims all in the end, there was no logical reason for Dean to die that night, thinking that he deserved to, that everything that happened was his fault. But now I believe my motivation for saving Dean has changed and I'm not sure that I'm doing the right thing. I think that I would even fall for him, if I had to."

"It sounds like you love him."

"Is that possible? For an angel to love just one human?" Castiel thought about it, what love meant in terms of angels, in terms of humans and even Lucifer had loved humanity over one human. Yet, Gabriel had said that they hadn't been created equally and even Lauviah seemed to believe that it had been intentional. At the time he made his decision to stay, he had thought that he would be able to save Dean and not get involved in the tangled mess caused by God's absence. But now that seemed unavoidable, perhaps he was different as Gabriel had said. It was possible that what he was feeling for Dean was love and if he was then this was no longer about putting Dean back together.

"I don't know, I didn't fall out of love, but it wouldn't be the strangest thing to happen." She finished preening and Castiel went to leave, but was stopped by her grabbing his wrist. "Why don't you try sleeping tonight, it'll give you some peace even if temporary." He agreed, finding that he enjoyed sleeping from the three times he had done it during his time there (although he had always slept alone) and turned out the light before crawling into the makeshift nest next to her, feeling like a fledging for the second time that night, even more so when he heard the tale-tale rustle of feathers before a warm wing settled over him.

And if he dreamed of falling that night he would blame it on the sharp smoky scent that came from the wing draped over him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Dean suffers through an embarrassing and uncomfortable conversation topic at breakfast, everyone at Forbidden Fruit is having a bad day, and Dean may or may not have asked Cass out on a date.**

* * *

_Now your life is broken, revolves around love._

_No love of yourself but the love you have lost._

_We said desperation is lonely despair._

_You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share. _

"Cry" – The Used

Dean was the second one to get up in the house or at least he used to be the second person up. Ever since he met Cass at Forbidden Fruit he had taken to getting up earlier so he would have time to stop by the small café for a muffin and coffee before work. The change in routine had only led to him being late once in all the years he had worked for Bobby; he had quickly learned that if it was a close call between being on time or showing up late for work, to stop at Forbidden Fruit on his way home. Although that didn't happen often, Beelzebub always had his order ready in the mornings, but if he did stop in the evening Lauviah would always have a turnover ready for him, still no matter what time he stopped in Cass was always the one waiting for him at the counter.

It struck Dean a few days back that he may have started to develop a "crush" on Cass for lack of a better word. He certainly thought the man was attractive, piercing blue eyes and messy black hair, but it was the small details and quirks that drew him to Cass. There was just something oddly endearing about him, the way he spoke and took things sometimes too literary. The way he would tilt his head at a reference he didn't understand seemed like a complete contradiction to the way he would made snarky comments and deadpan remarks.

Of course none of that compared to the conversations they had, discussing beliefs, morals, and classic literature. It was clear that Castiel was highly intelligent and it made Dean wonder just how the man ended up working in his older sister's shop. It was also clear that he was hiding something, family was certainly a touchy subject at times, but Dean understood that all too well. The mystery surrounding Cass had Dean wanting to know more, wanting to get to know everything about the man. Just like he wanted to tell Cass more tell him everything, it was like some strange pre-existing connection between them had been awakened and that was one terrifying thought.

He pushed that thought as well as a few others to the back of his mind and made his way downstairs to start breakfast since it was his day off. Halfway through frying bacon, Bobby joined him in the kitchen; it was silent other than Bobby's brief "Good morning." It wasn't until Dean was flipping the last batch of pancakes that Sam came down to join them.

"So are you going to go visit your boyfriend today?" Dean tried not to flinch at the word, it was to juvenile sounding and he didn't know if Cass was in to guys or anything for that matter.

"You really shouldn't try to piss off the person cooking your food."

Sam elbowed his back lightly as he passed to get coffee. "What's the worst you could do?"

Before Dean could respond Bobby spoke, "If I may interrupt; I do have a book order that needs picked up. So if you are going to go into town to see this Cass I've been hearing about, you can also make yourself useful."

"You know I don't go just to see Cass right? Vi has some serious baking skills and an even better taste in music."

"But she's not the one you make doe eyes at; I thought I would have to shut your mouth for you when you first saw Cass, pretty sure your jaw touched the floor." Dean set his brother's plate down with a little more force than necessary, mouthing the word Nair at him before setting down Bobby's plate and going back to grab his own.

Several minutes of silence passed, only being broken by the sound of breakfast being eaten, at least until Bobby spoke up. "You know we don't care if you're gay, right boy? All that matters is that you're happy, getting treated right, and…staying safe of course." Dean fought back the urge to stab himself in the neck with a fork to end the awkwardness of the conversation before it had a chance to start. Bobby was like a father to him and his sexuality was one topic that he would love to avoid discussing at the kitchen table, even more so with his younger brother in the room.

"I'm not gay."

"Dean…"

"No Sammy, if you have to put a label, I'm bi. Sorry you missed my big gay panic a few years back, but it's not the reason why I haven't asked Cass out." Bobby and Sam looked at him expectantly and he wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and die. "I don't even know if he's interested in guys, besides he doesn't need to get involved with someone like me."

"Just because you have some issues doesn't mean you're not allowed to try being happy Dean. You said you were going to start counseling to deal with…" Sam trailed off for a moment and Dean shifted uncomfortably.

"I am going to start as soon as I find someone who isn't a total dick." That was true, he had tried going to a few different psychologists already, but ended up leaving halfway each time because he either felt worst or got pissed off. "But until then, I don't want to end up hurting anyone else."

"Are you sure it's not that you're afraid that you're going to get hurt instead?" That was a low-blow from Bobby because the man knew that he had let someone get close enough once, but as soon as he had started to open up to her…Dean slammed the door shut on that memory _hard_. "Everyone has their problems and baggage, boy. Don't forget that."

"Whatever, I'll leave when I'm finished and get your books." There was more malice in his voice than intended, but both Sam and Bobby at picked at a touchy subjects and even though they hadn't done so with ill intentions, it still made his skin itch. He didn't even clear his plate, taking a few more half-hearted bites before standing and scraping what remained into the garbage in the kitchen.

After a quick shower and getting dressed Dean was out the door hoping that his day would turn around in some way or another. The drive to Forbidden Fruit seemed to take longer than usual, but that was mostly likely due to the anticipation of seeing Cass and getting to talk to him for more than five minutes.

Something was off when he walked through the door and Dean wondered if something major had happened yesterday when he hadn't been able to drop in at all. The small shop had barely opened fifteen minutes ago and there was no heavy scent of coffee or cinnamon in the air, which had always been present before.

"I swear on every name of Our Father I will cut your finger off if you stick it in that pie filling one more time Gabriel!" Dean raised his eyebrows at Lauviah's comment and entered the cafe side of Forbidden Fruit in time to see her push a short man with cognac colored eyes and long blond hair that was slicked back out of the kitchen and around to the other side of the counter.

"I was only trying to help; every kitchen needs a taste tester." The man, Gabriel, Dean assumed that's who it was, held his hands up in surrender before dropping them in favor of pulling a candy bar out of his apron pocket. Lauviah muttered something in another language Dean had never heard before, shaking her head in what could only be described as disgust.

Clearing his throat Dean decided to make his presence known. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"Sorry you have to see us like this, but Beelzebub had other business to attend to and I'm a little short staffed."

If Gabriel didn't have a mouthful of candy Dean was sure that he would have had something to say about that.

"You should appreciate that Gabriel even took the time from his busy schedule to help, even if he hasn't done more than make a mess." It was Cass who spoke and Dean swallowed as the man came from the kitchen, black hair wilder than he had ever seen it and clothes spattered with flour, there was even a smear cherry pie filling on his cheek bone. In simple terms, Cass was a mess and very hot mess at that, "Hello Dean."

Lauviah rolled her eyes muttering, "Busy schedule my ass," under her breath before taking a napkin out of her apron pocket to wipe the filling off of Cass's cheek. It was such as sweet move that reminded Dean of many similar occurrences between him and Sam when they were children.

"So you're the famous Dean I've been hearing about." Gabriel has finished the candy bar, tossing the wrapper onto the counter with a smirk, "Now it is my responsibility as big brother to ask just what your intentions are with Cass?" Dean choked at the question, especially when he glanced over at Cass who seemed to be as embarrassed as he felt.

"Gabriel, why don't you unpack the shipment that came in last night? There should be a book from Salikotal for Dean's brother in it."

"But sis, aren't you worried about protecting Cass's virtue?"

"If you do not move your ass in the next two seconds I will deep fry you." The calm tone in Lauviah's voice caused a chill to run down Dean's spine and a quick glance at Cass confirmed that this was not a side of his sister he was used to seeing. It seemed that Gabriel got the message and retreated to the other side of the shop, disappearing behind the towering bookshelves. "And throw your damn candy wrappers away!" She slumped then and Dean could see how tired and frustrated she was and felt a pang of sympathy, thinking of all the times someone had called off at the garage and he had to work twice as hard to make sure certain things got done on time.

"I'm sorry you have to see us like this Dean, it's been a chaotic two days." Cass was talking again, having recovered from his older brother's earlier statements fairly quickly and Dean noticed that he looked almost as worn as Lauviah.

"Hey, it's fine, but if there's anything I could do to help, I'm more than willing to lend a hand."

"I appreciate the offer, but I think I might just close for the day. It'll give me time to figure out what to do if Beelzebub doesn't get back tomorrow." Lauviah straightened, "In fact that's exactly what I'm going to do, but let me get those books Bobby ordered. I'd hate to have you come all this way and go back empty handed, just wait here." He watched her flip the sign on the door over before disappearing the same way Gabriel had, leaving him alone with Cass once again.

"I know it's really not any of my business, but is everything okay?"

The man sighed and Dean started to see different side of Cass that he hadn't seen before. "To be honest, I have no idea. Beelzebub left last night, didn't say why he had to leave or when he'd be back and then Gabriel showed up in the middle of the night saying that he was going to stay for a while, but not why he was staying." Cass paused meeting his eyes and Dean swore he felt all the air leave his lungs. "Can I tell you something, personal?"

Dean thought about what Bobby had said earlier about everyone having secrets and baggage, but before he could respond, Lauviah returned with a large box of books in her arms, which she set down on the counter, "Okay Dean, you're all set to go. There's a book wrapped in brown paper somewhere in the bottom for Sam."

"Thanks Vi, take it easy today for me okay?"

"No problem there. Cass why don't you help Dean to his car and then take the day off, I'll make Gabriel clean the kitchen later." Lauviah said her goodbyes and disappeared once more as Cass picked up the box of books as if they weighed nothing, it seemed the man was stronger than he looked. Once outside and the books were loaded Dean couldn't bring himself to leave quite yet, wanting to know what Cass had been going to tell him earlier, but the moment for that was gone.

"So now that you have the day off, do you have any plans for later?" That earned him not only a chuckle from Cass, but an actual smile, the first that he had seen from the man today.

"I was thinking about finding a liquor store and drinking it."

"That doesn't sound too bad, but it's better if you don't drink alone."

"Are you volunteering to join me?"

"Well I do know this great bar that's not too far from here, we could get drunk, and stargaze on the hood of my Impala in the parking lot until one of us is sober enough to drive." The last part slipped out before Dean realized what he had said and felt his stomach twist. He really was as smooth as chunky peanut butter, but to his surprise Cass didn't laugh or freak out.

"I'd like that actually." There was a soft tone to Cass's voice, one that he hadn't really heard before and it made his heart ache.

"Then I'll swing by around seven?"

"Seven it is." It wasn't until Dean was half-way home that it registered that he had in fact asked Cass out on a date, it was only a second later that the fact that Cass had agreed to it set in and only one thought ran through Dean's mind. _Son of a bitch._


	6. Chapter 6

**Dean and Cass have their first date, possibly their first fight, and there may or may not be kissing involved.**

* * *

Do you care if I don't know what to say?  
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me  
Will I shake this off pretend it's all okay  
That there's someone out there who feels just like me  
There is

"There Is" –Box Car Racer

The conversation was light as Dean drove, similar to many of the conversations they had had in the café, although in the privacy of the car Dean was more open to talking about his childhood, skipping over some of the rougher more grittier details that would have been easy to fill in even if Castiel hadn't watched over Dean since he was born. Castiel even found himself telling Dean more about Gabriel and the other angels that he had actually been close enough with that calling them brother or sister was more for heartfelt reasons, rather than due to technicality.

"So, some idiot caught the kitchen on fire where we were originally going to go, but I did promise booze and star gazing." Dean explained as pulled over to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and turned off the ignition. "If this makes you uncomfortable, we can just head back and catch a movie." Castiel couldn't help but smile, recognizing that Dean was just as nervous as he was. Once it had occurred to him that he was in fact going out on date with Dean he hadn't been able to sit still or be quiet. Both Lauviah and Gabriel had threated to trap him in a circle of holy fire more than once; well Gabriel had threatened him with holy fire, Lauviah had been more creative in her threats since her patience had already been worn thin.

"Its fine Dean, I didn't think that you would actually take me star gazing." An emotion flickered across Dean's face too fast for him to identify so he pressed forward, "Besides my "people skills" are "rusty" so any place with a lot of people wouldn't be the best idea." A laugh escaped Dean; it was a rich deep sound that Castiel wanted to hear more often although he wasn't quite sure why Dean was laughing.

"No people skills, yet you're a waiter, isn't that some type of contraction?" Dean didn't give him a chance to respond, "Never mind, you looked like you having a bad day earlier," the man paused getting out of the car and Castiel followed, highly aware that they were completely alone and no other soul around for miles.

"I believe that Lauviah was the one having a bad day, I'm quite used to Gabriel's antics." Castiel waited patiently for Dean to get the cooler from the trunk, accepting the beer that was offered when he came around to the front of the car, "Thank-you, for this and everything. It's been a while since I got to sit and enjoy the stars."

"It's no problem; I used to do this a lot, it's more fun when you have someone with you, but any time I was having a bad day; I'd just go out for a drive, park in the middle of nowhere, and just watch the stars."

"Used to? What happened that you stopped?" Castiel knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from Dean, wanted to know just how much Dean trusted him. For a moment it looked like Dean was going to speak, but the tense silence remained. "You don't have to tell me, it was wrong of me to ask."

"No, it's just. I hardly know you, even if in some ways I feel like I've always known you and this sounds creepy but I want to trust you. I actually want to tell you, everything, but it's just the last time I felt that way about a person. Let's just say they weren't who I thought they were and they couldn't handle who I was." Castiel frowned as Dean downed almost half of his beer in one go, but he knew why. Lisa Braedan had broken Dean's heart years ago, one of the few women that Dean had managed to get close to and have a relationship with. It had been an ugly split, with Lisa telling Dean that she couldn't handle having someone so broken in her life, someone who was beyond help or repair.

Once it was clear that Dean wasn't going to say anything else Castiel began to speak, although he wasn't sure what to say but maybe if he put all he could on the table Dean would see that he was in a similar situation, that he wasn't alone after all because he now knew what it was like to be broken, because by Heaven's standards he was. "You know, I can't go home at least not after what I've done and not after I ran away."

"It's hard to imagine you being a run-away or rebellious in any way." A snort of disbelief came from Dean and he couldn't help but smirk catching the man's impossibly green eyes.

"That's what the few now ex-family members who helped me run-away said. I was the perfect child growing up, I never questioned anything I was told to do, always listened to what I was told, and most importantly I kept my options to myself…for the most part since Gabriel and Balthazar have both heard my true options on certain matters. Still, I thought I was perfect as well, that I would always be able to do what was expected of me, but then I met someone. Of course, I was forbidden to ever speak to him or see him."

"It didn't work out that way did it?"

"No, I couldn't stay away from him and had an identity crisis. By my family's standards there's something wrong with me, I am flawed and broken. Something that I didn't think was possible, not after years of praise for being a perfect example of what our father expected of us." So many half-truths woven together and it was making Castiel sick as he spoke because of some reason the half-truths were more painful to say than outright lies.

"So you ran-away, to figure things out."

"Yes." No. The word nearly slipped out as Castiel wanted to tell Dean that he ran-away, defied Heaven to see him, to talk to him, to save him from the poisons thoughts that clouded his mind. "And I figured out that everyone is flawed and broken, that we were meant to be. It's finding someone whose broken pieces fit together with yours." As he spoke Dean's eyes never left his, but there was doubt in Dean's eyes and it was worried Castiel that maybe wouldn't be able to convince the man of anything.

"Cass, you can say that all you want, but-"Dean stopped, looking away and putting his head down. Castiel took a moment set his beer down, still untouched, before reaching out to place his unoccupied hand over Dean's. The man tensed at first, but didn't pull away and Castiel took the opportunity to lace their fingers together and give Dean's hand a gentle squeeze. "Remember how I told you that Sammy had some problems some time ago?" Castiel only nodded afraid that speaking would shatter the moment. "Well a few weeks back, I uh, got low I guess, blamed myself for what happened to him. So I got drunk, drove out to the middle of nowhere and had planned to kill myself. I had no idea what stopped me, maybe I chickened out or maybe I just passed out before I was able to go through with it. Anyway, the sheriff found me in the morning, told Sam and Bobby, and I promised them that if I got that way again I would talk to them instead of driving to the middle of nowhere by myself." Dean looked at the beer in his other hand with disgust before pouring it out and letting the bottle fall to the ground with a light thump.

"Dean, I'm sorry." And he was he wished he had come to Dean earlier, tried to help him sooner. He felt disgusted with himself and even more disgusted with Heaven.

"No I should be apologizing, I really like you, but you don't deserve to get involved with someone like me, because I'm broken in a way that can't be fixed."

"I think it's up to me to I decide who I want to get involved with Dean and I don't care if you're broken." Dean pulled his hand away shaking his head.

"Then I'm not worth it Cass, I'm not worth fixing, because no matter what I'll find some way to fuck it up. I always find a way to fuck it up." Heavy silence hung over them for a moment as Castiel tried to find the right words. He had no idea what to say, just like earlier when he constructed his elaborate tale of being a run-way just to fill the silence and try to earn Dean's trust.

"Remember the day when we were talking about Frankenstein and you asked me if there was anyone in the world that I would do anything for?"

"Yeah, you said you didn't."

"Well I do and that person is you. I would do anything to convince you that you are worth everything and more. Because before I met you, I would have been able to go home."

Dean froze for a moment, eyes going wide in surprise before narrowing in suspicion. "I thought you said you ran-away."

"I did but only long enough to I convince myself that I was still the perfect son that I always was and then I was going to go back until I met you and realized that I was never that perfect son. That I had always doubted what I had been told, that I always questioned instructions." Castiel paused seeing the guilt in Dean's eyes at his poor word choice about not being able to return home and decided to try a softer tone moving closer to Dean and taking his hand once more, "I feel like I have known you for years, even though I've only known you a few weeks. I have told you things that I have never even told my own siblings. I don't think that you're broken beyond repair, I think that the fact that you're still here after the life that you've had, shows how strong you are and if you didn't get to pull the trigger that night isn't a sign from God, then you have one hell of a guardian angel who needs to make up for some lost time."

A small smile graced Dean's lips and they were close enough that their breath, now visible due to the chill in the air, was mingling together, "Maybe you'd like to be my guardian angel then." The suggestion nearly had Castiel laughing, if only Dean knew that's exactly what he was. Instead he pushed away all thoughts of Heaven and falling, gathering the right words.

"I'll be whatever you need, just give me the chance to prove to you that you deserve more than you think you do."

"Then I just need you." Castiel felt his breath hitch as Dean came forward the last few centimeters to capture his lips in a soft kiss and in that moment as Dean's hands came up to gently cup the sides of his face and his own hands found their way to Dean's chest, fingers grabbing at his jacket as the kiss deepened Castiel would have turned his halo in if anyone asked him to. Dean broke the kiss and chuckled, "This wasn't how I had pictured our first date going. I mean I glad it got to this point, because I've wanted to kiss you since I first saw you, but everything before this? I'm going to make it up to you."

"You don't have to make anything up to me Dean."

"That doesn't mean that I won't try."

"I know." Then Dean was kissing him again and Castiel could taste all the unspoken promises on the man's tongue. It scared him, because it was without a doubt no longer about saving Dean, this was so much more, something that he knew nothing about.


End file.
